I fell in love once, or so I thought. It appeared to be love at first sight, even though I can’t figure out what that attracted me to him initially. Maybe it was his height, the fact that he was in the school team or maybe because he was the first guy I ‘was crazy about’. Well before the end of my one-month stint (relationship) as you can guess, I realised that it wasn’t love.
The good thing was that my one-month stint gave me the opportunity to appreciate some subtle truths about relationships. Firstly, as ladies, it’s easier for us to love and get attached emotionally. Sometimes at the speed of light or even before saying “Jack Sparrow” (yes, I love the Capitan in the Pirates of Caribbean). Anyways, it’s easy for us to draw conclusions and presume a feeling of love from a guy even when the brother is probably just being “Nice”.
Define your relationship
I believe that regardless of the relationship we get involved in, it is important to always define such relations. Defining a relationship doesn’t mean forcing or pushing the other party into accepting a role they would rather not take. It involves honest inquiries from the other party as to their intentions and desired destinations for the relationship. And when the answer comes, biko (please) accept it. A relationship should not be forced or compelled.
Have a goal
Secondly, have a vision or at least a dream that you are given to developing. It’s very important that as a person, you have your own dreams and goals which you wish to fulfil. It makes you more attractive to people because it shows that you can be your own lady. But beyond the attractiveness, it’s healthy for us as ladies to understand that we can and should be the best version of ourselves. Do not be afraid to dream, do not be scared to imagine as your imagination is your biggest asset. Don’t conform to the rule that you need a man’s validation or assent to go into business or take that course or start that idea.
Importantly having a vision or goal helps to streamline the kind of men you’d accept as potential suitors. Not every Tunde, Hakeem or Chinedu would be suitable for you. It’s important to have a relationship with a person of similar goals.
So, draw up your own ideas, vision and use that as a yardstick when evaluating who comes into the Relationship Eligible zone. Don’t worry, it’s not pride, it just implies wisdom and conscientiousness.
Date with a purpose
Finally, at least for now, please try not to go into a relationship to curb your loneliness. One important lesson I learnt and won’t be throwing away ever is that my singleness can be my pride. The time of being a single lady is very precious and must be enjoyed thoroughly and maximized. So, if you’re feeling lonely and you think the best option is to go into a relationship, I’d say pause and do a mental analysis. If you go into a relationship to satisfy loneliness, there is a large tendency that you’d become over dependent or unnecessarily clingy which is not good. In the event where the ‘brother’ cannot fully be available every time you are lonely, you’d most likely feel bad or even depressed.
So instead of making yourself a liability, please get engaged in activities that help you value your singleness. You can book a spa date with your girlfriends, go to the beach or if you’re like me, take a trip to a bookstore and just soak yourself in Books or even start a project you’ve been fantasizing about. The truth is that there’s no better time to enjoy and discover ourselves as ladies than when we’re single. This does not mean that a relationship does not encourage growth.
In conclusion, the three things to look out for before taking the leap are:
# Defining the relationship for clarity sakes
# Having a Vision /Goal
# Dating with a purpose not just a desire to satisfy loneliness