Gone are the days when a man would call a woman ‘Ashawo,’ those days when a woman’s sexuality was used as a weapon to enforce patriarchal tropes. Sometimes the audacity of these men is actually staggering. Thankfully, it has become increasingly evident that a woman’s body does not exist to be beholden. Our bodies are not just sites for exploration or accusation. A woman has the right to insist on her own sexuality just as much on her own ‘prudishness,’ and not be judged for it. For many of us women, this is part of what sexual freedom means—taking back ownership of our sensuous nature, centering, and freely communicating our sexual needs, and owning up when a sexual experience turns out to be a poor decision.
In the spirit of centering female sexual agency, I spoke with six Nigerian women who shared with me when and why there weren’t proud of the people they had sex with.
Anita, 22
To be honest, I try not to think about it because I was 17 and he was an older man who liked to have sex with younger girls. It was obviously for financial gain, but it is something in my past that I will never be proud because at the end of the day, the man still had the guts to shame me.
These men who manipulate you then shame you afterwards are the utter ghetto. Good riddance! Ugh.
Zaftig, 25
I knew I wasn’t proud of this person even before the sex as he didn’t agree with anything I stood for or believed in. He acted as though he was superior and constantly said derogatory things about women. It was a thrill for him, and I hated his guts but still entertained his advances because, horniness! I knew the only reason he was respectful to me was because of his affections towards me but my feelings of self-betrayal grew and what we had faded into estrangement.
Being so fundamentally different from a person can be such a huge red flag. It works out for some people though, but glad that sis here realized and allowed things die naturally.
Tara, 26
For me it was a sloppy first experience. Everyone says the first time is usually like that but this takes the cake. At 21 I hadn’t had sex and wanted to get it over with. I chose a fellow athlete to be the one, flirted with him and gave him the green light. Fast forward to the night we had sex, even the way we made out was off. He was much older, had more experience but clearly his experience was terrible because he couldn’t penetrate me and the sex became painful. I ended up have a UTI and I had to tell me mom.
Oh no! Even mom had to know! Lol.
Abidun, 25
At 100 level, I met this guy at the bookstore, and we had this romantic scene and he impressed me. One day I visited him, we made out but he took it too far and gas lighted me when I told him that it was basically abuse. He graduated, went into politics and started giving hot takes on FB that were embarrassing. He was one of the main reasons why I left FB because as someone who liked to announce that he knew people, I didn’t want that especially as my writings became popular.
It’s always the aspire to perspire people. Sexual predators in the dark, public intellectual during the day. #Sigh.
Awe, 28
I wasn’t proud of him because he was immature and unruly, maybe because he was younger. I wasn’t proud of him from the beginning and couldn’t let anyone know but we had such strong sexual attraction. It lasted for months until I called it off.
Ah, that age long dilemma of being with a younger man. Not a complete no-no, but not being proud of him? A sign of more serious concerns.
Blessing, 27
I had just finished university and I got this job. But this man made me feel as though it was because of him I got the job and my naïve self refused to believe that I was intelligent enough. Six months down the lane and he was making sexual advances towards me, eventually we had sex and he completely changed to a mini devil. The feelings I thought I had towards him died. I realized that he was a selfish person and eventually, I resigned.
Good for you sis! Sadly, he will use his office to manipulate other young girls.