Recently, I had a conversation with a friend about how my day was going. Because he is the kind of friend who does not ask questions that he does not want specific answers to, I went beyond saying that I was fine when he asked the simple question. Instead, I said it was going casual, that I was negotiating the usual sentiments, fear, loneliness, self-reflection. Of course, acting true to form, he asked me what I was afraid of, how I would like to take away fear. I thought about it and realized that I don’t know if I can be rid of them like at the flip of my fingers, or if our emotions should be discarded in that way. I think more in terms of regulating them. Sitting with them, engaging with them – I try to stay in dialogue with some of these fears, reason them out. The truth is, the things we fear, and love say a lot about who we are, what is important to us, what we have suffered, what we dream about. Another truth is, we are not necessarily more courageous because we are not afraid. We are not even necessarily happier. We are who we are because of some of these emotions, and then, we grow to become better people by wrestling and hopefully overcoming these emotions.
Okay, enough about fear. I want to talk about another strong emotion that compels us to action or inaction. Anger. Yes, that fiery beast that is tamed, sulking, lying just beneath the layer of our social composure, waiting to unleash itself like an animal that has been kicked. Like fear, the things that make me angry are legion. From the annoying humans who come to the library to group ‘discuss’ when I am writing my novel! To the impunity of men who sexually exploit 17-year-olds. I am also, of course, angry when I miss the bus, when a person misunderstands me, when someone leaves a dirty plate on the sink. And yes, like fear, I think the things that upset us also color us, they indicate our interests, passions, quirks, areas of life that make us uniquely who we are. I don’t think anger is something to be switched off. We are human beings, full and complex, we feel what we feel, but the question is, what do we do in response? How are we engaging with these feelings, sitting with them in conversation?
I recently listened to a podcast where Richard Rohr mentioned that our emotions are often self-referential, which is to say that they are short sighted, most interested in me, me, me. How does it make me feel, or look? But our emotions are suggestions, they are not final verdicts, they are not the complete story. Also, they are hardly every objective. It means that having a conversation with a person because you are angry, or at the time you are angry, is probably not the best move. Likewise, taking a life decision because you are afraid does not always result in the self-preservation you think.
What I am practicing these days is how to wait. It’s a meditation I recently started, where I think through what I am feeling. But then, instead of acting based on that, I wait. Then see if I still want that course of action in a few hours or days. If I feel a sudden burst of joy and decide to splurge on something, I wait. What’s the worse that could happen? I will always be able to buy what I want to buy if I still feel that way. And if it was an impulsive response, it is likely to have passed by the time I revisit the feeling. Same with anger, or fear. It’s a simple practice where you tell yourself: now I am angry or happy or afraid, what then? I sit with the feeling, and I wait.
How do you deal with overwhelming emotions?