This is a very heavy but important article for me to write. A really sweet lady I crossed paths with died at the hands of her fiancé. Although we not particularly close, it made my heart so sad that she and so many others have gone down that road.
A lot of times, we hear stories of domestic or gender based violence that were fatal or almost fatal. And we think to ourselves. Why did she not leave? Why did they think they could remain in that relationship and not get hurt or worse, end up dead.
It takes a ton of courage to find a way out of an abusive relationship. Mostly because, by the time you realise that something is not quite right, you’re too far gone. The victim may not even realize that they are in a tight fix. They tend to make excuses for the person that constantly hurts them. And even begin to blame themselves for the person’s maladaptive behaviour.
I hope this post helps you realise this: relationships may be abusive. Verbally or physically. And if you’re not in one of those types of toxic relationships, the chances of you knowing someone that is in one are high.
This post although being about ASD (antisocial disorder or Sociopathy.) Some physically abusive partners may not be sociopaths. They could also be psychopathic or narcissistic. But many sociopaths tend to be physically abusive.
And here’s how to spot it.
They lack empathy and feel no remorse
This is why they get to do several bad things and not feel a type of way about it. They feel no remorse and so there is no guilt. They do not feel empathy towards their partner’s feelings. So even when you are trying to let them know you are hurt by their actions or words, they do not care.
They are perpetual liars
They can tell lies upon lies especially when it is to get their way with something. This also lets them be manipulative. When you catch them at a bad spot, they lie their way out of it. And you are trying to leave the relationship, they pretend to suddenly turn a new leaf, promising a change in behaviour, even weeping and begging. Threatening to do something rash like take their lives.
They have a feeling of grandiose but may or may not be charismatic
They have an inflated sense of self and will belittle their partner to make themselves feel even better. They talk about your insecurities and highlight your flaws. They may embarrass you in front of their friends or other random people while making themselves out to be a great and better person. Sociopaths may also be likeable at first instance. May have some charm or charisma that draws you to them. But you soon realize that it is false and they actually have a great disregard for people.
They are hostile, irresponsible and take risks
Everybody has a risk-taking side but a sociopath will take it to the next level. They can drive at neck lashing speed for no reason whatsoever. They can hold your neck outside a window in a very high building and because of their lack of empathy, you crying out for help won’t faze them. They can be irresponsible with money or with people and even young children put in their care.
They are impulsive and very aggressive
This is where they snap. And this is where people usually realize that something is not right with this person. You may have heard or experienced a similar story— a woman, for example, gets her partner some fried rice and is all smiles because everything has been calm and peaceful. All of a sudden, he slaps it out of her hands and hits her and lashes out. Probably because he mentioned sometime a few months ago that he prefers jollof rice. They are also impulsive and are usually bad decision-makers.
Statistics show that 3.8% of people are sociopaths. That’s one out of 25 people you know. Clinicians and psychologists say that there is no “cure” for sociopathy and psychopathy and so these people should just be generally avoided as they can make your lives very complicated.
Finally, if you are in a toxic relationship or being abused, you have a way out. Don’t think you re stuck. There are support centers who will take up your case and help you find a footing. You deserve better. You deserve peace.