I am not exactly sure when and how I began to manage my emotions at work. Prior to that, I was the kind of person who told off anyone that upset me. It may have been something I got from my childhood years. I was raised in a city where people applauded you for speaking your mind. And then, I found myself entering the work environment with this mentality.
Expectedly, I suffered a lot of setbacks largely for not knowing how to harness my emotions. Some of my colleagues were much better at dressing their comments and holding back their opinions. Out of frustration, I labeled them ‘brown-nosers’.
While I still believe that the typical work environment is filled with brown-nosers (like a former male colleague who often carried his able handed boss’ bag to her car daily, or another who usually had no opinion apart from what the boss had said), I also see how some of what I called brown-nosing back then was simply the art of managing emotions.
Emotional Intelligence At Work
I remember a colleague whom I used to ask to serve as a middle person between myself and a certain Mrs. Z. I did so because I felt the colleague had a better relationship with Mrs. Z than I did. But many months down the line, I realised I would need a more personal relationship with Mrs. Z for myself. This was especially if I was to have a shot at the management suite. It was from thinking about that predicament that I fully began to learn and explore the concept of Emotional Intelligence in my own life as a career woman.
What Does It Really Mean?
Emotional Intelligence is one skill that puts a person ahead of their contemporaries in any given field. Yet, it is neither taught at inductions or at the university. In a nutshell, it is the simple science of managing your emotions as well as that of others to achieve success. Though useful for all facets of life, in my opinion, Emotional Intelligence has bigger stakes given that we don’t have the liberty of selecting our work audience.
Much of Emotional Intelligence can be attributed to native or street sense as we call it here. However, it is knowing when and how to apply it that makes all the difference.
Learning This ‘Art’
The key question then is; how do you manage your feelings so the best version of yourself can shine through?
The key question then is; how do you manage your feelings so the best version of yourself can shine through?
The first thing is to know that any pressure you may feel from how your colleagues treat you at work is really not about you (hopefully). It is about the work. So it would be great to leave your ego at home. This does not mean you should submit yourself to be a doormat, as my friend would say. Personally, what has worked best for me is the ability to compartmentalise.
As a woman or mother, your energies are often required in several places and ‘compartmentalisation’ is the easiest way to stay sane amidst the buzz of activities. Putting things in their proper hierarchy will take the pressure off you and enable you see the importance of workplace relationships. For instance, you need to be able to hear from the office gossips that not only did your boss not recommend you for a promotion, but she also passed an awful comment about you at the management meeting. You will also need to learn how to keep relating professionally in instances of betrayal or sellouts.
The general idea of Emotional Intelligence in the workplace is to understand how to manage people who can represent you in your absence.
The general idea of Emotional Intelligence in the workplace is to understand how to manage people who can represent you in your absence.
An Interesting Example
A friend shared her experience with me. She had worked with a boss who she later discovered did not like her.
The boss in question was not a very pleasant man. He was the type who could send you to the dentist with the sweets and chocolates he bought from foreign trips. He would then go around with a ‘no vote of confidence’ when it comes to assessing your work. Expectedly, this friend became an emotional mess when she found out about that betrayal. So much so that she contemplated walking into his office to tell him off.
In theory, it must have sounded like a good idea to her. But then, thinking further about it, she had a light bulb moment. She realised that the boss in question was merely being human. He was a contract staff himself, therefore needed to pass her off as inept in order to remain relevant.
After discussing with her mentor, she was advised to find a good ally in a senior management executive whose work was a bit related to hers and who could give an overview of her work without being too obvious. Firstly, this would deliver her completely from the hands of her direct boss. And even if the senior friend does not speak out openly in meetings where she was being misrepresented, then at least, he could speak one-on-one with the people who mattered.
My friend also realised she needed to be more transparent with her work. And while at it, she had to remain cordial and professional with her direct boss. The entire advice was spot on and the hardest to achieve was keeping the cordial relationship going when she knew the feeling of dislike had become mutual. She coped essentially by compartmentalising—keeping thoughts of work off as soon as she had to handle other life demands.
A Few Tips To Keep In Mind
Although not all such stories have a happy ending, but the basic Emotional Intelligence tips are largely the same. They may be written differently in various books/journals, but the gist is generally the same. In other words, see everyone as people you can work with and learn from. Build good relationships at work. Be helpful and supportive. Tell the story from someone else’s eyes. Remember your power to choose in the sense that leaving is also an option if you can afford to. Above all, get your job done the right way.
These tips are however not exhaustive, if you have any skill or personal approach to managing work-place relationships, please share them with us via the comment section or through mail. Your experience or insight may be what another woman needs to navigate a complex situation at work.
*A version of this article first appeared in Business Day and is republished with the permission of the author.