I once read somewhere that Christmas is many things, one of which is the season of break-ups. Think about it. You have the holidays to yourself and you plan to spend quality time with your boyfriend. Suddenly you notice the infrequent phone calls, curt replies, and strangely, the sense that they don’t want to spend every waking moment with you. Before you know it, you start to doubt yourself and the value of your relationship. #Sigh
To make it worse, many books peddle tell-tale signs that suggest a guy is not so into you; relationship counsellors do too. But the truth is, these things are never so simple and straight to the point. What you think is a relationship going sour may just be your partner experiencing life from a different perspective.
So before you think about another Christmas breakup, here are some thoughts to consider:
People are different
Human beings tend towards varying traits, which may or may not have a lot to do with how they feel about you. As every relationship progresses, you should renew your knowledge of the love language and the tendencies of your partner. Your ex is always likely different from your next in many regards. So, it is always going to be a learning process.
Know yourself and your love language
It is important that you understand who you are and what makes you feel loved. Understanding this helps you communicate it to those that matter.
Know your partner
Ask the necessary questions. “Phone calls or text messages”, “gifts or quality time”? Ask and learn in your relationship. Sometimes, they are not just big on phone calls and calling or not calling you has nothing to do with how they feel about you.
Actually, pay attention
You do not like what you don’t like and you cannot stand what you cannot stand, so be honest with yourself at all times. If you have to complain timelessly to someone about the same thing over and over, maybe it is high time you did yourself a favour. It is one of two things: accept your partner and his flaws, or refuse to settle and move on. A bee is not a butterfly.
Don’t jump into conclusions. Maybe, walk?
People do get genuinely busy. So, “he did not check up on me today and yesterday”, “he did not pick my call and he only returned it after several hours”. Hold on. Calm down. Analyse. If he is a perpetual defaulter, refer to point number 4; if he is a first-time defaulter or a one-off defaulter, discuss with him to understand why he is changing, or why he has changed. He may just be having a terrible week or a terrible month.
Everyone can’t be great with dates
It is just what it is. My dad hardly remembers my birthday except my mum prompts or reminds him, but I know he loves me. Some people are just not cut out for these things. Observe. If he is doing every lovely thing right, but this one, cut him some slack. Help him out. Set alarms, tie his remembering or not remembering to something he genuinely loves– like his favourite food, or a steamy night of sex or whatever! Go figure! I think that if it matters to us, we will go the extra mile. So, go that extra mile and watch miracles happen.
One good turn deserves another
Really, yes. Call him. Text him. Buy him gifts. Essentially, be the feminine version of the type of man you want him to be. He does not have to do all the work, he does not have to initiate the calls all the time, he does not have to arrange the surprises every time. Show him. Teach him. Embarrass him with your love.
Beyond all of these, some things are just very clear signs that we need to move on from a relationship or work harder on our relationship. It depends. The irony is this: what is good for the goose is not exactly good for the gander. And the signs I see will not allude to the same facts that your signs allude to. So, focus on you. If at any time you ever feel under-appreciated, under-loved, under-cared-for, or under-anything, soul sister, that is your sign!