I’m finally getting old. I can tell because my mom now says things like boyfriend and my name in the same sentence. A few years ago, that was sacrilege. Outright abomination. I had to finish my degree first before I was allowed to figure out that there was even such a thing as a difference in genders. Talk less of being in a relationship.
Okay, a slight exaggeration but I kid you not, it was almost that serious. Lol.
And then out of the blues, she mentioned recently that she gave birth to me just a few years from my current age.
She was married at my age was what she was insinuating.
As if I could not already catch what she was clearly hinting at already.
After years of wanting you to be single and focused, Nigerian parents just expect you to have a husband and child like you can order one-off Jumia and get the other one free.
It all got me wondering. What did I have to do to really rile my mother up? What are the things I could say to her to shock her? It would most likely be things that no Nigerian parent wants to hear. If you want to try these things out, do them at your own risk and proceed with utmost caution. Lest a very African slap awaits you.
You’re getting a tattoo
Well, except if you’re anticipating a laser surgery a la hot cooking pot, don’t try to tell them this one. It is bound to end in tears for both you and the parents. You could go ahead and come home with it one day, but expect your some skin peeling remedies to be prescribed to you. I personally plan to be very very far away from my mother’s “back-hand” when I deliver this piece of information.
You eloped to get married
Big haha. That’s a story for your pocket. A wedding ceremony will be held with or without you and your spouse. After all, nobody ever needed your consent. All we need is a photo of the two of you on two chairs in a weird-looking setting. You were not the first. You surely won’t be the last. Lol
You don’t plan to have kids
This may seem normal in movies, but don’t bring it near your Nigerian parents. In fact, one or both of them may not be able to take the sheer fact that you have deemed it fit to end their lineage. Just get ready for a full-blown village meeting, some tears from your mother and maybe a feigned heart attack from your pops. Either way good luck to you. You need it.
Not using your degree
After you have chosen a path, A.K.A, your JAMB form has been filled for you, you go to school and become a lawyer, you then decide to audition for a waka pass role on MTV sugar, just know your own has finished in your parent’s house. There will surely be a special service for you to pray the possessive spirit that must surely have taken over you. Except to drink some anointing oil twice daily. The village people following you.
Do you have any other African abominations to share? Please leave a comment for laughs.