Have you ever been in a friendship, relationship or “situationship” where you feel like, everything is great, you’re doing okay and you might actually be happy? But, something just doesn’t feel like it should be there? There are so many times people have been in situations where they have been abused or grossly violated and they don’t even know. Oftentimes, you can’t see it when you are currently in the situation. But somehow, you have to step outside of yourself and evaluate how things are looking for you. There are tons of things that happen that do not feel like abuse but really are…
You are in a situation or argument where you clearly feel upset, annoyed, and sad and your partner, colleague or friend continues making you feel like you are…overreacting. That is gaslighting and it is a form of abuse. They psychologically manipulate you to make you feel like you have no reason to express your current state of upset. They invalidate your pain and make it seem like you are “crazy’ for doing or saying the things you feel. That’s not right. Girl, you need someone that will help you through things, settle arguments and misunderstandings fairly and listen to you just as much as you listen to them.
This may seem ever so slight but can leave a lifetime of hurt. You know those seemingly small remarks. ‘You’re getting big o,’ ‘Do you want to finish all our food at home,’ ‘didn’t you just buy these jeans,’ ‘it is no longer your size o,’ ‘see as you fat’ etc. Girl, I’m here to tell you that you should love your body in every shape, size, and state you find it. The first person to love is the person in the mirror. And if someone is constantly trying to tear down your self-confidence then call them out or cut them off!
Pedestaling may be the most subtle form of abuse ever! In my books at least. This is because it feels a lot like you’re getting compliments, but in reality, you’re not, dear. You are being put under pressure to over-perform in a relationship where you are not getting the same. You constantly hear how you have saved the person’s life, you are a constant rock for them to lean on, and they would be nothing without you or they would not survive if you were to leave. This isn’t “sweet nothings”, it’s codependency at its finest. And can get pretty exhausting if you have no time to yourself but always attend to the needs of your partner, because you constantly have to be “strong” for them.
Your autonomy and your life will always belong to you and only you, and I hope you never forget that. No matter your job, relationships, friendships and even children, never forget to be in control of your physical and mental health. Controlling spouses are abusive in more ways than one. They could keep you from your goals instead of helping you achieve that. They want a say in your friendships, your wardrobe, and even your finances. You deserve to have a say in your own life.
This is just a way to control people and it is one of the worst ones. I once had a neighbor and friend whose mom could never leave the house without her husband’s excursion or permission. She was scolded if she tried making friends in the neighborhood, church, and anywhere. Only her kids were allowed visitors and that went on for years. I watched her gradually shrink for years until she was a shell of herself. She finally was diagniosed with chronic depression and anxiety when her kids left for university. Her husband tore down her confidence and made sure she was not friends with anyone, he made her quit jobs and killed every business idea she came up with.
Verbal and physical abuse isn’t the only type of abuse. People are emotionally abused all the time and don’t realize it. I hope you find peace in your life and only stay with what makes you happy and healthy.
Love and light!